Why Is It So Hard To Ask For Help?
Why Is It So Hard to Ask For Help?
By Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, R.N., B.S.N., Attorney
Lots of us are providing some kind of help to aging parents. Some are working at their regular jobs, handling responsibilities for their own families, and doing caregiving chores for their parents, all at the same time.
Maybe it’s a cultural thing: “yankee independence”. Maybe we’ve been socialized to be self-reliant. Maybe it never occurs to us to get help with our elderly parents. Whatever it is, caregivers aren’t rushing out to ask everyone they know to pitch in.
Even within families, the caregiver burden seems to fall more squarely on one person, often as not, even if there are multiple siblings or other relatives who could pitch in. At AgingParents.com, we often speak with caregivers, in our role as consultants, and in mediating family conflicts. I’m a nurse-attorney, and I work with my husband, Dr. Mikol Davis. A recurring theme in the conversation with clients we meet is the resentment of one person feeling overburdened, and not getting enough help. But does the resentful one ask for the help she needs? (It’s often a “she”).
In my past work as a nurse, I was often in the role of teaching family caregivers how to manage the tasks of the job. In my role as a lawyer, I have been an advocate for individual rights. Now I’m in the role of teaching caregivers of aging relatives how to manage their complicated duties as well as teaching them how to advocate for themselves.
Speaking directly and asking for what we need calmly is not a skill everyone possesses. Even if it seems obvious that one member of the family is doing the lion’s share of the caregiving, that person often seems to say little, even while expecting and not getting assistance from others. Anger builds, sometimes boiling over into outbursts, sarcasm, and aggressive behavior.
We urge clients who are in the role of the “burdened one” to speak up. Although other family may live at a distance, or are less capable than the burdened one, you’ll never find out who is willing to help unless you ask.
If asking family doesn’t do it, it’s certainly possible to recruit volunteers from community agencies, church and synagogue groups, and other organizations. If the budget allows, paid assistance through agencies is available to take some weight off the primary caregiver. The point is to ask for the relief every caregiver needs. This is particularly true if the parent who needs the caregiving is a difficult or unpleasant person. Some parents are.
Despite our culture’s emphasis on self-reliance, we have to recognize our own limits. No one can take care of elders 24/7, or even part time, without relief unless the caregiver risks her own health breakdown.
We hope all family caregivers will take care of themselves by asking for some assistance with the work. It’s entirely reasonable to ask for help, besides being necessary for the caregiver’s own mental health.
Let’s consider “yankee independence” to be an unwise
attitude when it comes to caring for aging parents. We need all the help we can get.
© 2009, AgingParents.com
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