Aging Parents Support Blog

When Your Aging Parent Lives Alone
Dr. Mikol Davis, AgingParents.com

If your aging parent was married for most of his or her life, has lost a spouse and is now living alone, it creates new responsibility for us, the adult children. The spouse who died may have been the one who handled all the finances. Or perhaps the one surviving doesn’t know how to cook or clean house.

We at AgingParents.com have been through this and we’re still finding out what it takes to keep an 88 year old mom safe and engaged. My Dad passed away after 62 years of marriage to my Mom. I’m the only son. I have a sister, but the task of teaching and watching over Mom has largely fallen to me and my wife, partner at AgingParents.com, Carolyn.

Though we had not been in the habit of talking on the phone more often than every two weeks or so, the first thing I did was change that. I call Mom almost every day to check in. She often has questions. I answer them, offer suggestions, give her different ideas.

It’s a small thing, really, but it makes a big difference. Mom is happier and more secure. I guess in some ways, I’ve filled the role my Dad used to play in helping lead the way with decisions and helping her figure a lot of things out. I don’t mind helping her and the time it takes isn’t all that much.

So, here’s Dr. Davis’ basic tip for anyone whose aging parent is widowed and now living alone for the first time. Call every day. Ask if she needs help with anything. Find out what activities she’s doing and make suggestions she can follow to stay busy. Offer her the news of your day, your kids’ day or whatever is of interest to you. It’s the contact that counts, not necessarily the content of what is said.

You can do something to reduce feelings of loneliness in your aging parent by making the time for that daily phone call. A few minutes of your time and attention is a gift worth giving. It can brighten your mom or dad’s day with little effort on your part.

2010, AgingParents.com

Please take the time to look at Carolyn Rosenblatt’s New Book entitled “The Boomers Guide To Aging Parents.”

This is a very practical book with important tips and suggestions including legal, medical, and emotional issues.

click here www.AgingParents.com/products

HOTEL KEY CARDS

Ever wonder what is on your magnetic key card?

Answer:
a. Customer’s name
b. Customer’s partial home address
c. Hotel room number
d. Check-in date and out dates
e. Customer’s credit card number and expiration date!

When you turn them in to the front desk your personal information is there for any employee to access by simply scanning the card in the hotel scanner. An employee can take a hand full of cards home and using a scanning device, access the information onto a l aptop computer and go shopping at your expense.

Simply put, hotels do not erase the information on these cards until an employee reissues the card to the next hotel guest. At that time, the new guest’s information is electronically ‘overwritten’ on the card and the previous guest’s information is erased in the overwriting process.

But until the card is rewritten for the next guest, it usually is kept in a drawer at the front desk with YOUR INFORMATION ON IT!

The bottom line is: Keep the cards, take them home with you, or destroy them. NEVER leave them behind in the room or room wastebasket, and NEVER turn them into the front desk when you check out of a room. They will not charge you for the card (it’s illegal) and you’ll be sure you are not leaving a lot of valuable personal information on it that could be easily lifted off with any simple scanning device card reader.

For the same reason, if you arrive at the airport and d iscover you still have the card key in your pocket, do not toss it in an airport trash basket. Take it home and destroy it by cutting it up, especially through the electronic information strip!

If you have a small magnet, pass it across the magnetic strip several times. Then try it in the door, it will not work. It erases everything on the card.

Information courtesy of: Metropolitan Police Service.

PLEASE FORWARD to friends and family

This is pretty good info. Never even thought about key cards containing anything other than an access code for the room!

When the Time Finally Comes: A Parent’s Final Days My very personal story from Dr. Mikol Davis on Vimeo.

An alternative for families at war, a new way to create peace for Elders and their families.

Elder Mediation: A Solution for Families at War from Bruce Tokars on Vimeo.

Carolyn Rosenblatt of AgingParents.com on KRON 4 TV News

Caring For An Aging Parent: How to Prepare and Be Financially Aware from Dr. Mikol Davis on Vimeo.

Consumers need to become better educated about the process of finding a Good Therapist. However the last thirty-five years as a therapist has taught me that a Good therapist is often about the fit. What research has demonstrated is that a Good therapist FIT is based on whether the consumer feels more comfortable with a man or a woman therapist. The race and or religion can play an important part in the fit. Also the socio-economic level of the therapist can sometimes play a part in the fit. Here is what I think is the most important factor that contributes to the very best fit and successful outcome of therapy, does the therapist engage in asking meaningful questions, offer unsolicited feedback, keep you honest, encourage being accountable for your behavior, and push you to become the person you truly want to be.

Thank you for listening.

Dr. Mikol Davis – Family Conflict Specialist and Elder Care Psychologist with AgingParents.com

Why Is It So Hard to Ask For Help?

By Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, R.N., B.S.N., Attorney

Lots of us are providing some kind of help to aging parents. Some are working at their regular jobs, handling responsibilities for their own families, and doing caregiving chores for their parents, all at the same time.

Maybe it’s a cultural thing: “yankee independence”. Maybe we’ve been socialized to be self-reliant. Maybe it never occurs to us to get help with our elderly parents. Whatever it is, caregivers aren’t rushing out to ask everyone they know to pitch in.

Even within families, the caregiver burden seems to fall more squarely on one person, often as not, even if there are multiple siblings or other relatives who could pitch in. At AgingParents.com, we often speak with caregivers, in our role as consultants, and in mediating family conflicts. I’m a nurse-attorney, and I work with my husband, Dr. Mikol Davis. A recurring theme in the conversation with clients we meet is the resentment of one person feeling overburdened, and not getting enough help. But does the resentful one ask for the help she needs? (It’s often a “she”).

In my past work as a nurse, I was often in the role of teaching family caregivers how to manage the tasks of the job. In my role as a lawyer, I have been an advocate for individual rights. Now I’m in the role of teaching caregivers of aging relatives how to manage their complicated duties as well as teaching them how to advocate for themselves.

Speaking directly and asking for what we need calmly is not a skill everyone possesses. Even if it seems obvious that one member of the family is doing the lion’s share of the caregiving, that person often seems to say little, even while expecting and not getting assistance from others. Anger builds, sometimes boiling over into outbursts, sarcasm, and aggressive behavior.

We urge clients who are in the role of the “burdened one” to speak up. Although other family may live at a distance, or are less capable than the burdened one, you’ll never find out who is willing to help unless you ask.

If asking family doesn’t do it, it’s certainly possible to recruit volunteers from community agencies, church and synagogue groups, and other organizations. If the budget allows, paid assistance through agencies is available to take some weight off the primary caregiver. The point is to ask for the relief every caregiver needs. This is particularly true if the parent who needs the caregiving is a difficult or unpleasant person. Some parents are.

Despite our culture’s emphasis on self-reliance, we have to recognize our own limits. No one can take care of elders 24/7, or even part time, without relief unless the caregiver risks her own health breakdown.

We hope all family caregivers will take care of themselves by asking for some assistance with the work. It’s entirely reasonable to ask for help, besides being necessary for the caregiver’s own mental health.
Let’s consider “yankee independence” to be an unwise
attitude when it comes to caring for aging parents. We need all the help we can get.

© 2009, AgingParents.com
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